My team is reading the book The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins. I’ve listened to it on Audible a couple times and now I’m reading the actual book (as in hardcover with pages! Crazy concept right?). The idea of the rule is to use it to launch yourself out of bed, into a decision, basically not procrastinate even for 5 seconds because research shows it only takes that amount of time to talk yourself out of something. Anyone relate to hitting the snooze button? Or setting the alarm to get up early to go workout and talking yourself out of it in a matter of seconds? Um…guilty! The rule is designed to work…and it really does! I have been using it in certain situations and I’m loving it…I’m getting more done, I’m getting my normally lazy-in-the-morning ass to the gym, I’m picking up the phone and making that difficult phone call, I’m putting down that 2nd, okay fine…4th glass of wine (progress people!).
Here’s my dilemma. I’m going through something REALLY hard right now. Like LIFE CHANGING hard. Like I just wanna crawl under the covers and wait until it’s over hard. Unfortunately I can’t do that…this requires my full participation. So this “5 Second Rule” is not my friend right now. Let me explain…
When you’re making life changing decisions (or trying to) you need TIME. Time to think, process, consider all the angles, decide what you really want, what you’re willing to settle for (if anything), what you’re willing to do to get what you really want, no matter how impossible it seems or how excrutiatingly hard it will be. (It’s telling me that excrutiatingly is not a word. Tough shit. That’s what this feels like so I’m keeping it.) So as we discussed part of the book this morning in our Leadership Book Club session (6:30-7:00AM…yes AM…two days a week) I found it really hard to participate. I know, right? Tanya rarely lacks words. But I just can’t use 5…4…3…2…1 right now. I feel like I need MORE time and for once in my life I’m going to really try to WAIT and not ACT. Let myself feel the feels. This is FUCKING HARD!!! And I’m sorry to offend anyone with my foul mouth. I feel a little guilty because I am a saved, Christian, God loving woman! But sometimes I gotta use the “f word” to really emphasize how I’m feeling.
Anyway…feeling the feels. I just weaned myself off two anti-depressants that I have been taking for at least 20 years. Great timing, right? Yah, this is when I think God’s sense of humor is downright mean. (Not really…just my attempt at making light of the situation.) So I was in the midst of “coming down” from these meds and of course I didn’t do it the right way. DUH! I skipped a couple days for…oh, I don’t know…about a week and then just said screw it. Let’s just quit cold turkey and if I start to get the vertigo that I got last time I tried this (several years ago) or I felt myself completely losing my shit, I’ll just start taking them again. Well, happy to report I have survived. But then this.
Part of me wants to tell the world exactly what “this” is. But another part of me says to be discreet. For now I’m gonna listen to that discreet voice. Don’t get me wrong, if you are in my inner circle you know exactly what is going on and you may wish you didn’t! Lord help me. I cannot even express the gratitude I have for my tribe. For feeling safe to say exactly what I’m feeling and know that I will still be loved, actually more so. For being a blubbering mess (uncharacteristically T) and yet you are all so patient with me. You’ve stayed up late to listen to my pain, sit in it with me, and wrapped your virtual arms around me, reminding me how much I’m loved (thank you Michelle, Kimi, Dani, Julie), you let me come over, watched me have an anxiety attack (wow…that was a total trip), helped me calm down and sent me messages and pics of that beautiful babe of yours to brighten my day (thank you Marjorie), you’ve showed up at my door with an overnight bag and drove me to Taco Bell at midnight, making me eat disgusting nachos (ok, they were pretty yummy)…and to a couple places that we will just keep between you and me (thank you Dani), you’ve sat and listened and offered to just hold me while I cry (thank you Kimi), you’ve listened to me vent and sent multiple messages reminding me that you are there and will do anything I need (thank you Leah) and brought me cookies and flowers (thank you Julie), you’ve reached out to me even though you didn’t know exactly what was going on, just to say you love me and are there for me (thank you Alli), you’ve prayed for me (thank you EVERYONE) and you’ve been my rock, my ride or die, my “black,” my voice of reason, my “I will never leave you,” my “you are worthy and we will ride this together,” and I could keep going forever with the gratitude for what you’ve done and who you are to me (thank you Moey and Tiff). And then there’s my pooh bear…my girl who has to watch her mom be broken for a while. Not the strong mom she’s used to seeing. I’m so sorry Syd. But thank you for offering to be my Valentine today. You are amazing. And then there’s my mom. I see how much you hurt, I see how me hurting hurts you, and I know how bad you want to take it all away. Thank you for being here when I need you and for giving me space when I need to be alone. I understand how difficult this is for you and I love you.
These are the people I have chosen, who have chosen me, who God has gifted me with. And I am truly, deeply grateful. I could not get through any of this without them. And I most certainly could not get through ANYTHING without the unconditional love of God. Thank you, God, for giving me strength, clarity…even though it sometimes feels clear as mud, I know that you’ve got this and I can trust in YOU with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength. Thank you for your promises, constant reminders of your grace, your forgiveness, your love.
And that’s the WAIT part guys. It’s the place where I am learning to sit, be still and wait for God to speak and lead. It’s SO hard. It’s foreign to me. I am a “doer” not a “waiter” so this is extremely difficult. But it’s also peaceful because I realize I don’t have to do all the work. I can submit to God’s will and as long as I continuously (and I mean CONTINUOUSLY) remind myself that he “works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose,” Romans 8:28, I can rest…and wait…and know that He’s got this. Man it’s such a powerful place to be. And if you have no idea what I’m talking about…reach out to me. I’m no pastor (I literally just laughed out loud) but I know enough about God to share His love with you.
So my default is to say “enough with all this heavy stuff” and make some joke or try to be funny. And as hard as it is to resist, I can’t…
It’s Valentine’s Day and as you may have figured out, I’m not feeling super lovey dovey Valentinesy (if you haven’t figured that out, well…just go sit in the corner and eat some chocolate…poor child). But to all of you who adore this “Hallmark holiday” I celebrate YOU! Go buy some overpriced flowers for your honey (you do know they practically double the prices for today), dust off that sexy lingerie and squeeze yourself into it, light some candles, sprinkle some rose petals, dribble warm chocolate on your…. okay I’ll stop. Just do what you can, what you’re willing, what you SHOULD do to show that special someone in your life that they matter, that you love them, that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to have a strong, passionate, healthy relationship. It’s worth the effort. Take it from me. Now 5…4…3…2…1… GO!
Authentically,
T.
Authentically T. 