Authentically T.

The last two months have been…well…the most difficult, heart wrenching, tearful, anxiety ridden of my entire life.  It seemed like my whole world was crashing down around me.  I was blindsided.  I mean, we’ve been together for 14 years!  We built a beautiful home together and have lived in it for 12 years.  It feels like yesterday that we were standing on a Cozumel beach at sunset saying “I do.”  We just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary in January.  Were our lives perfect?  Hell no!  The project he has been working on is the most stressful of his 30 year career and he was working 10-12 hour days, leaving at 5am and coming home barely in time for dinner and to conk out on the couch by 8 or 8:30, just to get up the next morning and do it again.  I was pouring myself into my business, determined to reach that final promotion that has eluded me for the past 4 years.  My work occasionally takes me out of the house in the evenings and some weekends.  It’s always been that way, but I have to admit that I was gone more than usual.  As I look back on it now I understand.  We were going through what a lot of married couples do…a bit of a disconnection.  And it was easier for both of us to focus on our work rather than the more difficult, vulnerable work of strengthening our marriage and getting our relationship back on track.  I really regret that.  I regret being complacent.  I regret quietly crying myself to sleep instead of facing the problems head on and working harder to fix them.

So there we were, towards the end of January, with anger, resentment, distance and even apathy…all taking their toll on our marriage.  I came up with an idea.  “Sacred Sundays.”  We would keep Sunday afternoons sacred…meaning no work, just time together.  It didn’t matter what we did, only that we did it together.  We had a couple of those and I’ll admit, they were a little uncomfortable.  What happened to the passion and desire we used to have for each other?  The connection?  Where did it go?  Why were things suddenly so hard?  It was time to sit down and have an honest conversation about how we were feeling and what we could do to fix what was obviously broken.  So we did.  February 11th.  Although I was nervous because I get super emotional whenever I have to have difficult conversations, especially with him for some reason, I was also anticipatory.  I wanted to resolve whatever it was that was getting in the way of us experiencing the love I knew we had for each other.  I was thinking…we just need to schedule some date nights and put some boundaries around our work schedules.  That’s all.  Easy peasy, right?  Um, no.  (Here’s where the blindside comes in.)

He says “I think we’ve just grown apart.”

I’m sorry, WHAT?

“We just don’t want the same things anymore.”

And what things are those?

I won’t bore you with all the details of how this way shorter than it should have been conversation went.  Suffice to say that it culminated with me asking “Do you not want to be married anymore?”  To which he replied, “I don’t know T.”  WOW.  I didn’t even know what to say.  So what did I do?  Fled the scene…naturally!  I felt like I was suffocating and I needed to get out of there…like fast.  So I hopped in my car and drove aimlessly around sobbing until it really wasn’t safe for me to drive.  I ended up at a good friend’s house.  And I had my very first anxiety attack.  Panic attack, anxiety attack…whatever you wanna call it.  I didn’t even know what it was.  I had never experienced this before.  I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t form coherent sentences, I was hysterical, I felt completely out of control.  Thank Jesus my friend had a stash of Xanax and ran upstairs to get me one while her poor husband tried to keep me from completely losing my mind.  Once I calmed down enough to speak coherently (okay, I may or may not have had a glass of wine with that Xanax…don’t judge, this was some heavy shit!), I told them what happened.  They, like pretty much everyone who knew/knows us as a couple were SHOCKED.  It didn’t make sense.  We were B & T!  We were awesome together!  We had been through so much to get to where we were.  Sure, we were going through some difficulties but now that we had actually started talking about what was causing them, it was simply time to implement some strategies to make things better, right?  How could he want to throw in the towel before we even tried?  Stay tuned friends…

About an hour later, I was able to reach my best friend by phone.  She, too, was shocked but she’s much more level headed than me so she went straight into “we are going to fix this” mode.  But she also asked the one question that would change everything.  “T, is it possible that there is someone else?”  I immediately said no way.  There’s no way he would ever do that.  But over the next several minutes that question took root in my gut and I couldn’t shake the feeling.  Then it hit me… “his work wife.”  I tried calling him but he wasn’t picking up the phone so I texted him.

“Please tell me the truth.  Is there someone else?”

He replied, “this has nothing to do with anyone but you and me.”

“Answer the question.”  No response.

“Please tell me the truth because my mind is telling me that you are having an affair with J.”  No response.

“Pick up the fucking phone!”  And he did…

He admitted that they had an “emotional connection.”  He said no, they hadn’t had sex.  But yes, they had kissed.  (That sounds like a physical connection, don’t you agree?)  I was DEVASTATED!!!  And he never spent another night in our home again.

Oh but that’s not where the story ends…no siree!  Y’all know me better than that!  T doesn’t just roll over and let herself get kicked again and again, or do I?  Oh friends…I cannot tell you what an emotional roller coaster these last several weeks have been.  About a week after all this happened I came to the decision that our marriage, that this man, was worth fighting for.  In fact, I was convinced that God was telling me to fight, to run to him, to forgive him, and to be willing to make compromises…whatever it took to save our marriage.  So I did.  I went to him and cried, telling him that we were going to fight for what we had.  And he said he needed some time.  Um, I’m sorry…excuse me?  Wasn’t it just like 4 days ago that you were on your knees crying and begging me to forgive you and take you back?  Did I imagine all of that?  And now you need some time???  WTF?  The roller coaster was on the move.  And I was its confused, reluctant, terrified passenger.

I’m not completely proud of how I’ve handled this whole situation.  There were many times when I lashed out in anger and sent texts, emails, left messages that were…well, not what you might expect from a Jesus follower.  What can I say?  I’m human and thank you Jesus for your never ending forgiveness and grace!  But there were also many times when I was kind, forgiving, patient, loving, sincere and honest.  If there’s one thing I can say, it’s that I’ve always spoken my truth…maybe to a fault.  Often times I tend to act impulsively (anyone relate?).  I am what some people would call (and they would be correct) impetuous.

Um…yah…that pretty much sums it up.  So on a typical day I could be sad and sobbing one minute and then pissed off and sending hateful, threatening texts the next.  And then a day later asking him to please give us another chance.  What did I tell you?  Roller coaster.  And this erratic behavior was accompanied by tons of anxiety.  I wasn’t sleeping.  I wasn’t eating.  I was hardly functioning.  I got super sick with the worst flu I’ve ever had and was laid up in bed for 10 days… TEN DAYS!  It was honestly the worst time of my life.  On the bright side, I did lose about 15 pounds and I look amazing. LOL  But the “Divorce Diet” as I lovingly refer to it, is not what I recommend.  If you’re interested in losing weight, I’ve got a program that is MUCH easier!  #Arbonne #30DaysToHealthyLiving  #ItsTheBombDotCom

You’re probably wondering how this story ends.  Well, it hasn’t yet.  We haven’t filed for divorce yet (although that’s definitely happening), he’s still paying for me to live in the house (it’s the least he can do), he says he’s no longer sleeping with “her” (oh yes…I forgot to tell you that he finally admitted that they were having a full-blown affair…but he doesn’t like to use that word…LMAO) which I do not believe for even half a second (the part about them not doing it anymore), and I’ve caught him in more lies than I thought even he was capable of.  I also confronted “her” about this whole thing.  You see, we were actually friends.  I found a recent text I sent to her thanking her for being such a great work wife to my husband!  Unbelievable, right?  PSA:  Do not ever use that terminology for anyone of the opposite sex who works with your spouse.  Yes, I feel like a dummy.  I’m just too trusting.

Anyway, back to “the confrontation.”  I sat in my car at her house one day when I knew she’d be coming home from work and we had a little chat.  She denied everything to my face, even after I told her that he had already admitted it.  I won’t go into details about the other parts of that conversation.  If you’re really curious, you’ll have to buy me a glass of wine.  Did I mention that just a couple weeks before all of this her dog had to be put down and because I am (was) such a good friend to her I offered to drop everything and bring her food, day drink, give her a shoulder to cry on…and we ended up meeting for manis/pedis?  That was AFTER she had developed her “emotional connection” with my husband and kissed him.  Funny…none of that came up in our conversation that day.  Hmmmm?

I think I got off track.  My heart is beating faster right now…I’m getting worked up.  Relax T, relax.  Okay, so what is the point of sharing all of this?  It’s none of anyone’s business.  I have plenty of close friends who I have shared every sordid detail with, who I’ve sobbed to, who have lifted me up, supported me and given me the courage and strength to get through each day.  Why write about all of this?

I AM SO TIRED OF THE ROLLER COASTER!  It’s making me crazy!  It’s keeping me from what’s important!  It’s distracting me from my business!  It’s making me into someone I don’t like!  It’s time to GET OFF!  I’m taking back my power.  I’m going to stop being so damn impetuous.  And instead, think with my brain!  It’s a good brain…God was so gracious to give me some intelligence…I need to start using it!  I went and saw an attorney yesterday.  The husband wants to avoid attorneys and work this out between ourselves.  But his idea of what that looks like is WAY different than mine.  And as soon as I got on the phone with him after my appointment to tell him what I learned about how that process might work…within about 5 minutes it was clear that mediation was not going to be an option.  He seriously thinks that he can just offer me what HE thinks is fair and expects me to happily accept those terms.  He seriously thinks that because he has paid most of the household expenses for the last several years that I should be grateful and consider myself lucky.  (Insert astonished emoji here.)  Sorry buddy…it don’t work that way.  And you should have thought of the consequences before you ran into the arms of another woman instead of your wife.

So what’s next for me?  Well…the road ahead is going to be rough.  The house will need to be sold.  Loads of paperwork filed.  Arguments will inevitably be had.  Packing and saying good bye to our home and all the memories (there were some really great memories).  And I’ll have to figure out where I’m going to go.  Thankfully my business is completely mobile.  I can build it from anywhere.  But I don’t know where.  I’m going to try and be still…and trust that God will reveal His plan for me.

I’m going to focus on healing, on moving my business forward, on nurturing the relationships that ARE healthy, that I can trust, that I truly treasure.  And I’m going to pray for my husband…that he finds happiness, that he realizes that true happiness apart from God is unattainable and who would want a life without God anyway?

I know I’ll probably get some crap from “you know who” if/when he gets wind of me sharing all of this.  And I’m sure even some of my “friends” will judge me, maybe think that I shouldn’t have been so forthcoming with the details of my story.  But you know what?  I don’t care.  Because this is MY story and this is ME.  And I am no longer going to let anyone keep me down or convince me that I’m not enough.  I am a good person, despite my flaws, and I demand to be treated with the respect I deserve.  There is someone out there who wants to love me, cherish me, honor and value me and I will find him.  (If it happens to be you…give me a few months and hit me up…wink wink.)  In the meantime, I will continue to live, and tell, my story with the hope that someone, somewhere, might be touched or inspired by it.

Authentically yours,

T.