Authentically T.

There was an overwhelmingly positive response to my last blog entry “This Is My Story…This is Me” and frankly, I didn’t expect it.  I wrote it for me mostly, because I needed to write it all out.  It was therapeutic for me.  I was super nervous about publishing it for all to see…like SUPER nervous.  The outpouring of support and love I have received in the days since has literally brought me to my knees in humble, awe struck gratitude.  You have all rallied around me in ways I never imagined.  I’ve received texts, calls, messages, emails…multiple times a day, not to mention all the comments on my blog and on Facebook.  It’s unbelievable and I am deeply grateful for each and every one of you.

But there was one comment that wasn’t so nice.  Someone I don’t know (but who I believe is friends with my husband’s ex-wife) submitted a comment that said something like “Karma’s a b**** you husband stealing home wrecking b****.”  Well, I immediately deleted it because, well…for a few reasons.  First, I don’t need or want anyone like that in my life.  But if I’m being honest, the main reason was because it hurt.  Because it’s true.

Some of you know my “back story” from many years ago.  I was married to a really great guy.  We had two great kids (to add to the first great kid I had with a not so great guy I met during high school…another story for another day perhaps).  He was, and still is, a really great guy.  And for 11 years I stayed married to him, all the while trying to figure out why the hell I felt like something was wrong, something was missing.  I convinced myself that I was the problem.  Why couldn’t I just be grateful for this kind, loving man God had given me?  Why couldn’t I feel what I knew I should feel?  I started taking anti-depressants.  They helped me with my mood swings but they didn’t make me love him more (duh).  I honestly felt like I was lost and I didn’t know what to do.

Then I met B.  He was married too.  With two young kids.  And he was also unhappy and felt stuck.  And we felt an instant attraction.  But it was more than physical.  It was a deeper connection.  And the more time we spent around each other (we were all four a part of a business venture) the stronger that connection got.  Until it happened.  We were weak and we let our feelings guide our actions.  We were instantly regretful and vowed to not let it ever happen again.  But it did.  It’s like there was this force that was pulling us together that neither of us had any strength against.  Don’t get me wrong…I know it was mostly lust.  I’m not trying to pretend that the physical attraction wasn’t the biggest part of it.  It was.  But over and over we “broke it off” out of shame and guilt and a true desire to do the right thing and try to make our own marriages work.  But we were weak.  And selfish.  And we wanted to be together.  So we continued…secretly.  Then he moved out and just when I was making plans to do the same, we were caught.

That was 14 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday.  The look on my husband’s face.  The shame and guilt and sick feeling I had, knowing how deeply I had hurt and betrayed him.  He didn’t deserve that.  He didn’t do anything wrong.  In fact, all he had ever done was love me the best he knew how.  I hated myself.  For being a cheater, a liar, a terrible person.  For the hurt I caused him and the effect that my selfishness would inevitably have on our kids.  It was excruciatingly painful.  But don’t feel the least bit sorry for me because I did it.  I made those choices and I took full responsibility for them.  And I moved forward with my life, with B, the best I could.  It took a long time for me to forgive myself.  It took a long time to truly receive God’s grace and forgiveness.  And I am not sure I ever really received it or forgave myself entirely.  There’s certainly still a part of me that still feels that shame and guilt and regret.  But we moved on with our lives.  We were happy.  Despite the pain we caused our families, the public humiliation (we live in a small town and everyone knew), and our own guilt, we built a life together and slowly it got easier and things settled down.  Our relationships with each other’s kids healed.  It took a lot of time and it wasn’t easy, but we worked hard to build those relationships and we finally got to the point where, dare I say it, we were all doing really good.  I think that’s one of the things that has been really hard for me (and I think for him too) that we finally have these great relationships with our adult kids and now things are all fucked up again.  It’s really sad.  For everyone.  And I’m crying again just thinking about it.

Anyway, the point is (yes I do have one…several in fact) that I have always owned my past mistakes and I especially own this one.  Yes, I was a cheater.  I’m not proud of it.  And I hated when people would say “once a cheater, always a cheater” because I did NOT want to believe that!  Not only about myself but about B!  And I refuse to believe it’s true for everyone.  I think we live our lives making thousands of mistakes and hopefully we learn from them.  I love the saying…when we know better, we do better.  But that’s really hard sometimes.  We are all sinful human beings.  And we have this incredibly powerful enemy whose sole purpose and desire is to destroy us and keep us as far away from God’s love as possible.  That is a war that we cannot win on our own strength, my friends.  And the good news is that God is infinitely more powerful than the enemy and He wants nothing more than to help us overcome the sin in our lives.  And the better news is that no matter how many mistakes we make, God still loves us, forgives us and in His amazing grace, wants nothing more than to restore us and have a relationship with us.  Isn’t that amazing?  I think so.  And that’s where I find my comfort and my strength.

But I don’t always feel strong.  In fact, most times, when someone tells me how strong I am, my first thought is “oh if you only knew” or “I certainly don’t feel strong.”  You guys, this is HARD!  B cheating on me has brought to the surface all of those feelings of pain, shame and regret that I had worked so hard to overcome.  I even sent a text to his ex-wife apologizing to her for the horrible way I hurt her 14 years ago.  I don’t think she read it, but that’s not the point.  The point is that when it happens to YOU, there is a new understanding, new found empathy…and it just adds to the hurt.

Of course I’m not proud of that chapter in my life.  It’s honestly one of my biggest regrets.  But I can’t go back in time and change it.  None of us can.  Believe me…even as recent as yesterday I did/said things that I wish I could take back.  I make stupid decisions and act on my impulses EVERY DAY and feel the sting of regret and ask myself, “T, when are you going to learn?”  But as painful and heart wrenching as these experiences are, we shouldn’t want to go back and change them.  Because they shape us into the people we are today and the people we become tomorrow.  Just because I made this horrible mistake, do I really deserve it to be done to me?  I mean that’s what that girl meant by “Karma’s a b****” right?  I’m asking.  I want to know what my friends think about karma.  I’ve said that phrase myself.  Is it the same as “an eye for an eye?”  Should we expect the sins we commit to be committed against us?  Is that really how God wants this to go?  I’m not sure, but I don’t think so.  I certainly hope not.  I hope that when I make a mistake that I can be truly remorseful and be forgiven and not have that same thing, no matter how horrible, done back to me.  But I guess this time that’s just how it worked out.  The irony of my current situation is not lost on me, friends.  I get it.  It’s hard.  It’s painful to admit that I did this same thing to another person.  But it’s reality.  And I have owned it and accepted the consequences of my actions.

I guess what I want to know and believe is that instead of us judging each other, calling each other names, and spouting off mean and hurtful things, that we would learn to have empathy, to remember that we are all just doing the best we can.  We’re all going to make mistakes and sometimes they are doozies that have long lasting consequences and cut us deeply.  But don’t we all live in glass houses?  We need to be careful about throwing rocks at others from within those glass walls, right?  Let’s be kind, considerate, let’s expect best intentions of each other.  I continue to fail at these things daily, just like everyone else.  But I am also trying to be better…daily.  And God honors that.  I know He does.  And He will continue to love and forgive me no matter how many times I fall down or fail.  And because I am so grateful for that love and grace, I will strive to get better every day.  I hope we all will.  That’s what this beautiful life is all about.

P.S.  I hit “publish” and then had an afterthought that I feel needs to be added.  Make no mistake, friends.  I am ANGRY.  I have SO much work to do.  I am still vacillating between devastating grief and blinding rage.  And most days I experience both multiple times.  I hope I didn’t make y’all think that I’ve got a handle on all of this or that I’m navigating all of this with ease and therefore imploring or expecting all of you to handle your devastating moments with the grace that I lack.  I just wanted to make that clear.  I am struggling and failing and disappointing myself daily.  But I will not give up and I know I will get through this.  And you will too… XO

Authentically yours,

T.