Authentically T.

Well…here it is one year and 5 months after the day that I thought was the worst day of my life.  The day I found out my marriage was probably over.  My second marriage.  The one I thought was THE FOREVER ONE.  And I survived.  It wasn’t easy.  There were lots of tears, lots of FUCK YOUs, lots of I HATE YOUs, and maybe a few violent outbursts.  As I look back I realize there wasn’t enough praying, forgiving, grace (for myself not for him) and patience.  But it was my journey and I own it.  Now as I sit in my cute little rented townhome that I live in by myself for the first time ever (well, Cotton and Raider are here of course), on the day that my second divorce is final…I feel compelled to write.  I actually envisioned this blog being my cathartic way of getting through this last year and a half but every time I thought about writing I just didn’t feel inspired or motivated.  Not sure why.  Writing has always been “my thing,” a sort of therapy for me.  Sometimes I share what I write and many times I just write to get it out and then tuck it away where no one will see it (until I die and someone figures out my password and all my secrets are exposed…but who the fuck cares cause I’ll be dead).

Okay, so what’s happened over the last several months that I want to write about?  Well…I guess I need to decide just how vulnerable and honest I wanna be.  And since my blog is called “Authentically T” I guess y’all know what’s coming.  So hold on cause this is gonna get good… Well, maybe not too good, we’ll see what comes out. 😉

After I found out my ex didn’t want to be married anymore and had already moved on (yes, he still lives with her and I wish I could say I wish them all the happiness in the world but I would be lying…I’m just not quite there yet…as much as I hate to admit it the pain is still there and I wanna punch something every time I think of the hurt they BOTH caused me.  I’ll get there one day.  Patience T…patience).  Anyway, after I found out my life as I knew it had crashed down around me I spent the next few weeks forgiving him and pretty much begging him to give our marriage another chance.  Now as I reflect back on that part of me thinks “wow, Tanya, that’s sorta pathetic.”  But I actually don’t regret it.  I truly thought that’s what God wanted me to do and even though the ex (we’ll just call him “B” not just cause that’s the first letter of his name but because I can think of a few other names that start with that letter that apply)…so even though B didn’t want to put forth any effort to work on our marriage (another side note…this is his M.O. – when things get tough he gets going) I could honestly say I tried everything in my power to save it.  And I think that was God’s plan all along…to allow me to walk away knowing that I did the right thing.  Thanks big G…you’re always lookin’ out. 😉

Okay…so I stayed in our home for a few months until we finally put it on the market and sold it.  That was one of the toughest parts really.  We built that home together in 2006 and had hundreds of memories stored in those walls and in and around that beautiful pool and backyard.  To say it was devastating to leave that home for the last time is definitely an understatement and if I’m being honest…I still get a little nostalgic just thinking about it.  Suck it up buttercup!!!

During that time…well, let’s just say I started living the single life.  I created an account on the dating app Bumble.  Oh goodness…if you aren’t familiar with Bumble or apps like it…they are quite interesting.  I went on several “dates” that really were just hook ups (I told you I was gonna be honest) and frankly, it was fucking fun (pun intended).  I really hadn’t been single since like high school, if you can believe that!!!  Motherhood found me at 18 (two weeks before I turned 18 if we’re being accurate) and I was in my three committed relationships one after the other for the next 28 years!  So yah…the single life found me, took hold of me, shook me up, threw me around…all the things.  I was drinking (too much) and having a lot of sex (I won’t say “too much” about that because…well, is there such a thing?).  And it was the perfect way (or so I thought) to numb the pain.  Here’s the deal…I don’t regret any of this last year (okay maybe one or two nights LOL) because it was part of my therapy.  And I’m learning, at least I’m trying to learn, not to shame myself or beat myself up for choices I make and can’t change.  I’m trying to LEARN from them and move forward.  Am I always successful?  Hell to the no!  I still screw up on a daily basis.  But such is life and every mistake is an opportunity to learn and grow.  Sometimes we do and other times we make the same mistakes over and over again until we hit some version of rock bottom and are forced to either change or suffer some pretty severe consequences.  All I know is I take full responsibility for mine and I hope you do too.

One of those choices resulted in a Sheriff at my door the morning after I may or may not have physically assaulted “the skank” as I affectionately refer to her.  In her house.  In a wine-induced fit of rage after discovering that B was still engaging in adult behavior with her after he promised me he wouldn’t.  Let’s just say it wasn’t my proudest moment.  But I’m not entirely regretful either.  That bitch had it coming.  And so did he (I got a really good fist to his jaw and it was probably the highlight of my year).  Anyway…no visible bruises or hospital visits or restraining orders so all that worked out.  There’s more to the story and it’s actually a freaking comedy routine when I tell it.  Next time we’re together just let me know if you wanna hear it. 🙂

Fast forward a few months…I moved to Rocklin and there I was living my best life (debatable…actually just trying to survive, numb the pain, and not end up in jail or pregnant).  I was trying to meet new people and get involved in my new town, so I joined a local Rotary Club.  And I met a boy.  Okay, okay…he’s not a boy. LOL  He’s very much a man but it sounds cute to say that. 🙂  It started out like all the other…shall I call them “adventures?”  We went to a bar after a Rotary event and ended up back at my place…you know the rest of the story.  But then we went out again.  And again.  And again.  And now we are in love.  End of story.  Ha ha, just kidding.  Not about the being in love part…that’s actually true.  The end of story part…cause it’s just beginning, right?  It’s so weird cause just when you think you’re just living life and things are the way they’re supposed to be (at least for the time being), something…or in this case someone comes along and sweeps you up into his big strong arms and says “I got you girl.”  Actually, it wasn’t quite like that.  He was even more freaked out that we developed such strong feelings for each other so quickly.  Do we know if this is “forever love?”  Nope.  But are we enjoying each other’s company and do we have very real love for each other?  Absolutely.  So we take it day by day and enjoy what we have in the moment.  It’s such a fun way to live and frankly refreshing….not feeling the need to label anything or attach any expectations to it.  We simply promise to be open, honest, respectful, and show up as our best selves.  It’s fucking awesome and I’m happier than I’ve been in a very long time.  Thank you baby.  You have my heart.

So you might be wondering what mine and B’s relationship is like now?  Well…our divorce was completely uneventful.  No lawyers.  No fighting.  Well, hardly any.  We “negotiated” and came to an agreement about our “stuff” and he filed the paperwork and bam…it’s been six months TODAY and we are done.  Do we get along?  Yep.  We are actually very friendly with each other.  We still talk occasionally…about the doggies, family members and most recently about the stupid IRS who we owed money to…you know, that kind of stuff.  And because I can be a total bitch at times (and also because I still think he deserves it) I text him a picture of a memory and remind him what a fucking douche bag he is…and he ignores it because he knows I’ve probably been drinking and I’m guessing he somewhat agrees.  But those little digs have become few and far between which must mean I’m healing, or maturing, or something good, right?  I kinda think I’m being pretty nice to let him be my friend.  I mean I’m a pretty fucking amazing person, despite my faults, and does he really deserve to have me in his life anymore?  Hmmm…just something I’ve been pondering.

My friends say I need to write a book.  I haven’t even scratched the surface of my “adventures” here and there are some funny ass stories.  Some that probably should be written under a ghost writer name (is that what it’s called?) to protect the innocent…ha ha.  Maybe one day…  But right now it’s time to go get ready for tonight’s celebration.  My man is taking me out to a fancy dinner to help me celebrate the ending of a chapter and the beginning of what’s sure to be the best of the rest of my life.

And I can’t end this little story without saying a huge THANK YOU to my tribe.  You know who you are.  The ones who are patient with me, love me despite my crazy antics (sometimes because of them…LOL), and who have stood by my side through all of it and have reminded me that I’m strong and I’m worthy and I deserve to be loved.  I am forever indebted to you all.  You are my people and I love you.  Stay tuned friends…more adventures to come (but not the slutty kind I referred to earlier…those days are behind me). 🙂

Authentically,

T.